Kavanugh Comes to the Court

In our never ceasing effort to bring you the most important political news direct from Washington, DC, here is an exclusive interview from Judge Kavanaugh, whom Republicans are expected to approve as the next Supreme Court Justice. This occurred yesterday on the steps of the Supreme Court as you can tell by the picture our intrepid Reality Report camera crew captured. 

TRR: Judge I’m Dave Price from The Reality Report and I would like to ask you a few questions. Is that OK? 

JK: Sure. Hey … (raising one of his 2 beer buckets up) You want a swig? 

TRR: No thanks. Just like to clear a few things up for our readers. 

JK: OK. Ask away. 

TRR: Well, since you’re carrying all that beer around, I’d like to start there. There are allegations that your heavy drinking in high school led to some extraordinary damaging consequences for women. Is that true? 

JK: My friends and I, the boys and girls. Yes, we drank beer. I liked beer. Still like beer. We drank beer. The drinking age, as I noted, was 18 so the seniors were legal, senior year in high school, people were legal to drink and we – yeah, we drank beer, and I said sometimes – sometimes probably had too many beers, and sometimes other people had too many beers .. We drank beer. We liked beer”. 

TRR – Judge, I hate to contradict you, but the drinking age in Maryland at the time you went to high school wasn’t 18. 

JK: (surly and snarling) Look, who’s the judge here? I said it was 18 and so it was 18. 

TRR — OK. Moving on … There is a mention of “ralphing” in your yearbook. “Ralphing” is a term used when you throw up from too much drinking. Would you comment on why that term was in your yearbook? 

JK: (Fighting back tears, but at the same scowling and clenching his fists) “I was at the top of my class academically, busted my butt in school. Captain of the varsity basketball team. Got in Yale College. When I got to Yale Collage, got into Yale Law School, Worked my tail off. And speaking of tail, I was a virgin until way past my school years. I know where you are going with this and you’re working for Bill and Hilary Clinton, trying to destroy my good name with unfounded allegations. 

TRR: I just want to ask you one more time, so I am clear. Does the word “ralphing” in your yearbook refer to throwing up from alcohol? 

JK: (His face now morphing into a mask of pure hatred) I like beer! I like beer! I don’t know if you do … Do you like beer or not? What do you like to drink? 

TRR: Sorry to make you so angry. Look, drinking is one thing, but the concern right now about you is truthfulness. So I just need to ask you one more question. Dr. Christine Blasey Ford has testified under oath that you sexually attacked her. Do you sir categorically deny that you did such a heinous, hideous thing? 

JK: (He begins shaking. Suddenly, he drops to the ground, as if he has passed out) 

TRR: Hey, we’ve got a guy over here who has passed out. Get some help! Can we please get some help here! 

JK: (While the calls for help are being issued, with his pants still down around his ankles, JK checks his two beer buckets to make sure nothing has spilled, picks them and himself up, and saunters across the street toward the Capitol building … 

And now the biggest question of all —- Was this real or fake news? I think, in this case, I’ll let you be the judge. 

2 thoughts on “Kavanugh Comes to the Court

  1. Well, it was at least partly real. Especially since I recognize some words taken accurately from the script we witnessed during his tearful testimony. But this won’t be welcomed by anyone in power—they want us to “move on”. Which is what I intend to do as soon as I hit “Post Comment”!

    Like

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